Ladies and Gentlemen of the Itaweon Pool League,

It saddens me that after all these years of development and growth, the IPL still has issues with unsportsmanlike behavior, or conduct, if you prefer. Even in the last captains' meeting (which so few of you attended, that Dom, Ronan and Mark were literally reduced to tears), the issue of sportsmanship came up. Sharking, cue throwing, phantom foul calling by the referee, coaching a player without calling a time out – these are things that really need to be eliminated from our league. The rules for conduct are pretty straight forward, and are spelled out quite clearly in section 1.8 of the IPL rules. Why they need to be pointed out at all is a little confusing, since they are all pretty commonsense rules.

A few years back, I sat down on a rules committee – myself and a few beers - and came up with a very practical and commonsense set of rules concerning sportsmanship and good will. I was the leader of this committee, although I must admit that the second beer kind of took over the proceedings. The thing that really bothers me, though, is the fact that somehow items1.8.5 through 1.8.19 seem to have been omitted from the rules. I have refreshed my browser multiple times, tried clearing my cache, tried using Chrome, Firefox, Internet Explorer – I even went so far as to try Torch, and I cannot seem to find the version of the rules that has these lost items.

Really, folks. It is kind of a shame that I have to go on this forum and remind you of these rules, since they are so basic and just make sense. But, from my observations in the past few months, it is obvious that virtually EVERYONE in the league is disregarding these fundamental regulations regarding IPL play. Luckily, I kept a copy of the rules that my committee came up with. I am posting them here, with my comments in italics. Some of you might recognize them from an earlier posting of mine, and if this is truly the case, then shame on you for not following them:

These rules refer specifically to any matches or tournaments in which Lenny Erickson is a participant.

Item 1.8.5 - No player shall openly root against Lenny Erickson during a game

Item 1.8.6 - No player shall openly root for Lenny Erickson’s opponent during a game.

Item 1.8.7 - Every shot made by Lenny Erickson, regardless of degree of difficulty, shall be loudly referred to as a “great shot”. The word “great” can be substituted with any of the following, or some equivalent term: “amazing”, “incredible”, “impossible”, “spectacular”, mind-numbingly brilliant”.

Item 1.8.8 - If, on the off-chance that Lenny Erickson misses a shot, each person present shall make it known that a) the miss was intentional, all part of the grand scheme of his game, b) it was a nearly impossible shot that was so brilliantly conceived, that only the top 5% of players would even have seen the shot opportunity, and even fewer would have attempted it, c) it was so close, and obviously he was robbed by any number of factors (sticky pocket, poor felt condition, bad table roll, etc), and/or d) it was, regardless of the position of the cue ball after the shot, a great leave.

Item 1.8.9 - When Lenny Erickson wins a game, there shall be an immediate explosion of appreciative applause and heartfelt congratulations. This celebratory display shall in no way indicate that, or be misconstrued that, the celebrants are shocked or surprised in any way that Lenny Erickson actually won the game, but only that they were impressed by the brilliance with which the game was won.

Item 1.8.10 - Everyone present, including the opposing team and opposing player, must find and express sincere joy when Lenny Erickson wins a game. Lenny Erickson is always able to feel sincere joy when he wins, so it shouldn't be too hard for everyone else to follow suit.

Item 1.8.11 - When Lenny Erickson loses a game, before any celebration by the other team, all present must approach Lenny and tell him what a great game he shot, and how much he actually deserved the win, but got royally screwed. Then, and only then, may the other team celebrate in a VERY SUBDUED manner.

Item 1.8.12 - Break and runs and eight-ball runs are not allowed against Lenny Erickson. I mean, let’s face it, it’s nice to get at least one shot during a game.

Item 1.8.13 - All losses by Lenny Erickson shall be officially recorded as a “break and run” so that anyone consulting the IPL website will say, “Ah, well he didn’t even get a shot.” Whether the opponent is actually awarded a “break and run” pin at the awards banquet is up to the discretion of the IPL officers. In order to save the Itaewon Pool League a large amount of money, pins should probably not be awarded for these phantom break and runs, since Lenny Erickson manages to lose a lot of games each season, and the costs would definitely build up.

Item 1.8.14 - All players who believe in a higher power, and who plead or appeal to said higher power during a game that Lenny Erickson is playing, must make these supplications ONLY on the behalf of Lenny Erickson. There shall be no petitioning for supernatural intervention against Lenny Erickson. All players who do not believe in a higher power, speak to Oz. He seems to think he is one (don’t ask me!).

Item 1.8.15 - In regard to rules 1.8.7 – 1.8.10, all comments shall be made with sincerity and with not even a hint of sarcasm or disrespect. Knowing winks and/or nods will be considered sarcasm, and therefore a violation of IPL rules.

Item 1.8.16 - There shall be no ridiculing, mocking, criticizing or insulting of Lenny Erickson during any IPL match.

Item 1.8.17 - There shall be no limping in the presence of Lenny Erickson. Any limping, whether legitimate or feigned, shall be interpreted as mocking, and dealt with accordingly. Therefore, seriously, if you hurt your leg, don’t be bringing it into a match with Lenny Erickson.

Item 1.8.18 - At no time should the rest be referred to as “the cripple stick” if Lenny Erickson is anywhere in the venue. It may be referred to as “rest” or “bridge” or “pussy stick” or “sissy bar”, or any number of alternative names, but never “cripple stick”.

Item 1.8.19 - All of the above rules apply to all teams, INCLUDING LENNY ERICKSON’S TEAM, as most of the disparaging remarks seem to emanate from Lenny Erickson’s own teammates. Regardless of the difficulty that this may cause regarding the enforcement of penalties incurred as a result of rules infractions, I feel it is necessary to be strict in this matter. Just stop it, you guys!
Now that these rules have been written down and posted on this public forum, I hope that everyone will once again honor these simple and commonsense rules. It will make the league games much more enjoyable, particularly for me.
I will talk to Bernard, and see if he can re-insert them into the online rules file.
Thank you,
Lenny Erickson

I want it understood that I fully complied with all these rules on Saturday. I was concerned at one point that I might be committing gross violations of these rules but rectified the situation immediately by breaking open Lenny's balls (literally) and then generously gave him ball in hand when he himself confessed, in a rare moment of weakness, that he feared he might not be living up to the pre-ordained title of 'The Chosen One'. I felt, there after, suitably humbled in his presence as reason was restored the IPL universe.

Damn, I think Jim wasn't paying attention there. you guys need to talk....

Right?